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Monday, June 09, 2003
Good vs Bad Bad: I pressed the wrong button on the vending machine and now I have to eat potato chips. I find all potato chips to be greasy and disgusting. I know, I know, I'm a freak, you can say it, but it won't make me change my mind or feel better about having to eat these salty oil slabs instead of the desired Chex Mix. Good: There's a new k-cup coffee flavor in town (town = the cafeteria), which I have heard much about in the past. It's a Green Mountain blend called "Dark Magic" and it exceeds expectations, even, dare I say, living up to its name. Dark Magic, indeed. To make myself feel better about the potato chip situation, I made myself a second cup of Dark Magic this afternoon, and added a packet of Swiss Miss. What will happen when the pure little Swiss girl is exposed to these evil superpowers? Will the sweet little Swiss Miss turn corrupt? Will she now blend her powers of chocolatey goodness with this new Dark Magic to become a psychotic-yet-delicious Destroyer of Worlds? Will the additional strength of the caffeine bean cause her to be utterly unstoppable as she wreaks havoc across the countryside? Will my consumption of this double-strength beverage make me her zombie slave? Let's find out. The Wet-Ones® Government Conspiracy From the U.S. Dept. of Homeland Security website: Basic Supplies Flashlight and extra batteries Battery powered radio and extra batteries Plastic garbage bags, ties and toilet paper for personal sanitation First aid kit Map of the area for evacuation or for locating shelters A whistle to signal for help Moist towelettes I think maybe the Department of Homeland Security has some kind of sweetheart deal with the moist towelette industry. Why else would they be an essential component of a 9-item (plus extra batteries) emergency supply kit? Is anyone else disturbed by this? [update: June 10, 1:28PM] Apparently, pre-moistened, disposable towelettes are really big with politicians, and I'm waaaay behind on this story. In addition to the U.S. Government's interest in moist towelettes, other governments are also fans. See this link at Little Green Footballs' Arafat Baby Wipe Mystery for more info. Long Walk Off A Short Pier 1 One time Cheers' star Kirstie Alley is fat and happy at 200 pounds ...Kirstie, who loves to eat ...[is] also devoting herself to the campaign against hooking kids on psychotropic drugs like Ritalin. from The London Free Press ...does this mean she won't be doing any more ads for Pier 1 Imports? I was just starting to get used to her freaky face (what is going on there? botox? bad facelift? too-tight ponytails?) in those bizarre TV commercials. And I'm all for minimizing children's use of prescription drugs, but wouldn't her time be better spent devoting herself to helping find out why the kids need or are prescribed the drugs? At least she has a hobby. Eat a pint of Cherry Garcia for me, Kirstie. Friday, June 06, 2003
Still Nothing To Do Here ....but they are happy I am back. The replacement temp had nothing to do except some filing. I have done some "retroactive stalking" about this woman who took my useless temp job for two days, and I learned Ever So Much about her, mostly because she signed into AIM while she was here, and her Buddy Info included a link to her blog. She just finished sophomore year at UMich, is living at home for the summer, and will soon be starting a job at a local Panera. She did not do much web-surfing while she was here; apparently, she was satiated by the BBC homepage. She honestly believes that she has a shot at Harvard Law School, and her parents tease her about her weight. Interesting note: they had her in here at 9am. What is that about? Did she leave early? Why can't I come in at 9am? I think Office Pimp scammed even more time from the client. Tuesday, June 03, 2003
I'm going to be out of this office for the next two days, and Office Pimp is sending someone else in my stead for Wednesday and Thursday. I swear, they run such a damn racket. I have not had a whit, a quantum, of work to do since 1:15pm today. Well, not any work for them, anyway. I keep myself busy. I pay my bills, search for jobs, apply to jobs, consider calling places where I once interviewed for a job but didn't get that job but maybe they have an opening by now? but ultimately decide it's been too soon since the last time I made one of those phone calls, browse websites, IM with friends... there's always something to do, no matter how unproductive. What's funny about it all is that right now, as I type this, I must seem very industrious to anyone walking by, typing so sincerely. If I were instead reading a book, they'd probably be a bit concerned. But as long as I'm working on the computer, all is well. How long has it been since I've had anything to do? Hours....hours. Oh, but by all means, don't let two days pile up, you sucker-client! Pay us to send someone there absolutely every day! Brunching is dead. Long Live Brunching! I'm going to, as they say, "geek-out" for a post here. I was sad to find that the (relatively) long-standing brunching.com had closed its proverbial doors. Lately, I popped over to their site to see what kind of gravestone they had made of their front page. But Lo! Those things which once made them great are not dead! There are still Ratings, and the Self-Made Critic is still at large. It's a pleasure and a relief to see these features persevere. Here, for those of you who are not yet familiar with the Self-Made Critic, is an excerpt from his review/interpretation of The Matrix Reloaded: "You are The One. But not The One. The One who is not The One, but is Another One. But you are that One who is The One who is The Other One who is, in fact, The One. All is lost." Monday, June 02, 2003
A.J. Brown in Durham, North Carolina, ...was visited at her home by Secret Service agents and local police. The agents were looking for a poster on the wall of the young woman’s house that an anonymous snitch had reported as “anti-American.” You know what's really neat-o about The United States of America, this country I live in? All the freedom and rights we get. Oh, wait, I must be thinking of some other country. Click here to read the rest of the article while I rush home during my lunch break and rip down all wall-hangings which might possibly be considered anti-American. [update: 4:31pm] I didn't take anything down, just tidied up the place a bit and readied the coffeemaker. It'd be nice to have some company. Thursday, May 29, 2003
I am the Ninja Queen of Complicated Copying Tasks! I am kicking these staples' asses. If they had asses, consider said asses to be thoroughly kicked. And yes, it is the recovered Swingline staple remover with which I inflict my damage. Oh, it is so satisfying just to look at the pile of mangled staple-bodies on my desk. These little broken-backed staples are my bitches! Quiver before me, wee metal bits! And now, to put my Mad Ninja Skillz to work... First, I hide out in my Ninja Lair, and plan my strategy. Then I attack the copier with force and efficiency! When the task is finished, I cover my tracks (by hitting the "Panel Reset" button) and return to my Lair, where the copies and originals will be correctly collated, thus minimizing my time at the copier, leaving it available to others. Boo-ya! Strangest. Tchochke. Ever. Approximately once a week, I have to cover for the receptionist while she goes to lunch. Today, for the first time, I noticed a Very Strange Item sitting on top some file cabinets, acting as a bookend to some binders. I will endeavor to describe it to you, Dear Reader. It seems to be a desktop lamp-type contraption. The base is made of blue plastic, and is an oval that is about 6"x10". In the backside is the lamp-bulb, a clear, round bulb. In front of where the bulb goes is an upright circle of white plastic, to serve as cheap frosted glass, I guess, to diffuse the light. In front of that circle is a smaller circle, also upright. It has a decal of Hello Kitty's head, with a text decal underneath that reads "Hello Kitty". I know what you're thinking right now: you're thinking, this just sounds like a Hello Kitty light. Well, it WOULD be, if not for the finishing touch: In front of the two circles and decals is a silver wire sculpture of a stick figure riding a bicycle. 1. What do Hello Kitty and silver, bicycle-riding stick figures have to do with one another? ...and what makes them a good pair for a lamp? 2. Why is it here, on a file cabinet, as a bookend? 3. What does it all mean? Wednesday, May 28, 2003
I'm usually a fan of personality quizzes -- at the least, for the entertainment value of them. But this one at colorgenics is just bizarre. I mean, I was dubious to begin with when it claimed that it would give an accurate read in 20 questions, but it gets worse... so much worse. Here are just two of the questions you will be asked: Which shape owes you money? Which shape wants to kill you? Indulge your morbid curiosity. Disturbing: listening over headphones to a dictation tape where the speaker is constantly shifting in a leather chair. Disgusting: listening over headphones to a dictation tape where the speaker is eating while dictating. Degrading: being the one who has to wear the headphones and transcribe these speakers' words. One day I'll fly away...Leave all this to yesterday... Tuesday, May 27, 2003
It's hard enough to return to work after a nice, three-day weekend. Nobody needs to listen to me bitch today. Instead, play this fun, odd little Dilbert game. Do we get bonus scores for pointing out misspellings? Play to win; there's nothing quite like dancing on the grave of your nemesis. Friday, May 23, 2003
Memorial Day Feature: The On-Site Company Picnic Well, it's the Friday before Memorial Day weekend, and that means that companies all over are engaging in the pseudofestivities of the on-site Company Picnic. What a great way to turn a regular lunch break into a half-assed holiday event! At my current workplace, in a suburban office-park environment, this basically amounted to a few grills set up in the parking lot cooking the company-bought burgers and hot dogs. It's rainy here, as WeatherPixie will attest, so the rest of the picnic was set up in the cafeteria: an array of side dishes provided by employees who were good enough to sign up earlier in the week to bring these majestic works of carbohydrate. I helped myself to a company-issue burger, some tortellini salad which looked as though it was probably purchased pre-made, and (to get into the spirit of the thing) a scoop of a homemade rice dish with peas, corn, and some odd kind of mystery meat mixed in. They were little dark-pink-with-speckles wheels, too small in diameter to be pepperoni, but too thin to be sausage. What is this new meat-product, I wondered to myself. Perhaps I will like it. Not so much. It tasted like... nothing. With an aftertaste of buyer's remorse. I avoided the rest. This experience with the employee-made rice dish made me wonder briefly about the liability aspect of having employees provide the food. What if I get sick? What then? I also wondered about why having people bring in food seems like a good idea. Sure, it's a cost saver. Sure, it lends a family feeling to the event. But the people who actually make these side dishes are probably people who have to cook for their own families all the time and therefore are not going to be exactly inspired in their cooking an extra dish for their company or their spouse's company. Exhibit A: Rice Dish with Mystery Meat. Do we really want a family-type atmosphere in which we must regard the side dishes with trepidation, skepticism, and disappointment? There's no such thing as a free lunch. The cost of today's: a general sense of unease. Wednesday, May 21, 2003
Lament of the Lost A Thousand Petty Gripes Where have all the paperclips gone? Long time passing Where have all the paperclips gone? Long time ago Where have all the paperclips gone? Clipped to paper, every one When will we ever learn? When will we ever learn? My apologies to Pete and Arlo. Seriously, I just re-filled the paperclip holder thing not even two weeks ago. Again. And today, I'm down to five. How is it that they don't all come back to me? Where do they go to? Are they partying with our stray socks in the world of Magic Jo? Tuesday, May 20, 2003
Most people who drink chemaccino are strippers There's a lot of good stuff to be had at Buttafly.com, But the most fun that I've found is this little toy which divines your personality from your preferred Starbucks beverage. Now, I haven't been able to afford Starbucks in over 18 months, but I was still able to have some fun with this. (see title, above) Friday, May 16, 2003
R E D E M P T I O N through D R A M A ! Oh, MAN, did shit go down here this afternoon! This is intense! I mean, I can't make this up, this is so far from what I could ever make up. I wish I could make it up, but even then, it's so unbelievable. Okay. I must calm down so that I can report this as best I can. Please keep in mind that the following OVERHEARD statements and conversations are only what employees here in the office were saying. I never heard anything the crazy guy on the phone said. From President's Office: ...Did you just hang up on me? Now, ...No, now you listen. If you interrupt me again, this conversation is over. ...No, YOU were the one who... *click* From Front Desk Area: [President] I just had to hang up on that guy. I don't want to talk to him. If he calls, just hang up on him. [Customer Service Lady #1, covering phones] Good afternoon... I'm sorry, no he's not available. ...no, I'm sorry ...I'll be forced to disconnect this call.... *click* Good afternoon ...No he doesn't want to take your call.. ...I apologize, but he will not take your call, sir. ...I'm going to have to disconnect this call. ...No, I am not on a personal call. ...He will not take your call. *click* Good afternoo-- ..No, I cannot-- ...He has instructed me not to take your call... ...Yes, he has. ...Excuse me? ...The president of the company has instructed me not to accept your call. ....No, I am NOT on a personal call. ...No, I cannot transfer you. *click* Good afternoon... no I cannot transfer you there. ....I'm sorry. I cannot transfer your call. ....He told me not to accept your call....No. *click* [Customer Service Lady #2] Let me do it for a while, you look riled up. Good afternoon... you're the one calling us. ....You may have said something to bring him to that... ...alright, you can speak to the attorney general's office if you... no, I can't transfer you.... [President, returning to the Front Desk Area] Here, let me take it. Hello. Yes, I'm the manager. Yeah, the general manager. I'm Paul Bunyan. *click* Look, just hang up on him. Don't waste time, just hang up. [Customer Service Lady #2] Good afternoon.....please hold... *click* [President] Good, that's the way! [Customer Service Lady #1] Good afternoon, ....certainly, hold on please. *click* Good afternoon.....yes, please hold... *click* Good afternoon, ....hold on please. *click* Good afternoon.....please hold... *click* Good afternoon.....yes, please hold... *click* Good afternoon, ....certainly, hold on please. *click* Good afternoon.....please hold... *click* [Purchasing Dept. Lady] His company has 22 complaints with the Better Business Bureau. ...Yeah, I'll take the next call from him. Good afternoon....so, 22 complaints to the Better Business Bureau? And you're still calling us? Listen, you've called us 20 times. ..Yes. You called us. ...20 times. ...Hey. ...Hey! ...Hey, stupid! Stupid, listen to me! The POLICE have been notified.... Psycho. ....PSYCHO. *click* [Customer Service Lady #2] Good afternoon.....what supervisor do you want?... any supervisor? ... the supervisor of the IT dept?... or the supervisor of the trash compactor?... or the supervisor of janitorial suppiles? .....well, I wouldn't talk, I'm looking at your record. 22 complaints filed in the last 26 months. *click* He stopped calling pretty soon after that, which is too bad, because the HR Lady had just found out how to trace the call so the police could track it. But I think we've all learned a valuable lesson today: Don't Fuck With Purchasing. No, wait, we also learned that my boss is Paul Bunyan. Who knew? Today is Full of Little Disappointments A Thousand Petty Gripes Let me count the ways... (1) Someone has absconded with my bitchin' staple remover. It is nowhere to be found, and I have staples what need removing, and now I will have to use those stupid jaw-clamp things that aren't nearly so bitchin'. (2) The receptionist-temp had to leave today suddenly, and it looked like a bitchy little snipe-fest was about to fly around about it after she left, but instead everyone was all nice and understanding. Something about her daughter having a seizure. Poor thing. If today hadn't been her last day anyway, we all know she'd be in on Monday sitting in the HR lady's office. (3) The copier is out of its special staples. This means using the shitty hand-held stapler that is so cheap, I couldn't even find a picture of it at staples.com. Where did they get these, a flea market? (4) Finally! Ready to print that forever-re-edited letter. Oh. Printed it onto an envelope. Shit. Trump Card Who can stay grumpy on a Friday? It's Friday! And I'm going to be taken to a nice restaurant for dinner! Aces! [update: added Tuesday morning] The staple remover has been recovered. Rejoice! Thursday, May 15, 2003
OVERHEARD The people we need to worry about are the people down in [town name here]. They're incompetent and stupid. We should be in touch with them, on conference call, every day. ... The ones you want to watch out for are those turkeys down there. They screw up everything they try. ... Make sure you talk with them every day. But watch out, they're a bunch of idiots, down there. It's inspiring to be privy to this kind of employee motivation. Warms the heart. "Make sure you are in constant contact with the idiots." I sure do envy that job. Wednesday, May 14, 2003
Sanctuary! All day, the office has smelled vaguely like cedar wood chips, the kind you use in pet cages, like for rodent pets. The smell has been on and about for hours. It's giving me flashbacks to my horrible childhood guinea pig, who used to push its little butt up against the side of the cage so it could spray its pee as far away from the cage as possible. We'd have to newspaper the entire blast zone. So I've been feeling a bit of nausea all day, between the smell and the memories.... ...and hey, WHY does it smell like wood chips around here? What's going on in the lab? Should I be worried? Was there a spill? But I'm afraid to ask someone what it is, because if they don't smell it, then they'll think I'm CRAZY. Maybe I am crazy. I think I might be going crazy. I just had to take a time out: I went to the bathroom and sprayed a bit of air freshener around my stall, to afford myself a brief respite from that pervasive cedar stink. Ahh..."Seashore"... But now I am back at my desk and the subtle cedar is once again inescapable. The hell IS that?? This is so not cool. What Would The Godfather Do? You come to me... on the day of the Board of Directors meeting... requesting time off... As a temp, I report to the woman in charge of HR, a.k.a. Personnel. Her office is just on the other side of my cube, and I have learned a lot about the role of the HR person by listening to what wafts through her door and over my gray border. The most striking of these revelations is that the HR person is the Godfather of the company. Employees come to her to discuss their difficulties and negotiate time off. ...or more time off. Even my otherwise dubious scruples prevent me from reprinting excerpts of this, because I am embarrassed for her that she leaves the door to her office OPEN during these interviews. This means that I only actually hear her voice, since she faces her door, and visitors face in, so I don't really hear about the different aches, pains, diseases and conditions, but it still seems so very tacky. I just hear her try to negotiate appropriate time off. To her credit, she seems to really want to give decent time off to people, but I think it gets a little tense as to money matters. Those who come to discuss more time off are pretty rare... but they are the gems. Because they make a special trip to the office just for the negotiation, and of course you don't dress UP, because you're trying to show that you're still sick. So they're loose in the hallways in sweats or jeans, and everyone is asking them how they are, how's the [illness], how's the recuperation, and then they have to explain that they're here to ask for more time away because it's been harder than they thought. Here is my favorite overheard excerpt from one such hallway conversation: You ARE going to get the skin graft, right? Because you know you should... you don't want to get an infection... Yeah, I...I will. I'm just here to see... Well. You better get that graft, I'm telling you. I am sorry I didn't get to hear THAT conversation with the HR lady. I'm sure he's getting the skin graft, but he's probably not allowed to come to work or get paid for work for a few months. And before he can return to work, he'll need a note from his doctor and he'll have to "downsize" Fredo in Accounting. Permanently. Tuesday, May 13, 2003
Clockwatching The other temp here in this office, working as a receptionist, is done. I mean, she's here until the end of the week, but she's done with being here all the same. You know how it is. Or, if you don't, lucky you. Lately, she and I have shared a few bonding moments. I've been pimped to enough reception positions to feel her pain. Once you get two temps together at one company, it doesn't matter whether you work for the same Office Pimp company or not, the bond of both of you not knowing whether you'll have a job next week has the same strength. Of course, ultimately, it's best not to get too close to anyone, since companies always suspect the temps first if anything goes wrong, a la Clockwatchers. Clockwatchers is the movie about temporary admin assisting, and its many pitfalls and indignities. Where Office Space speaks to the permanent employee's experience, Clockwatchers catches the desperation and futility of temporary office work. I suspect that if this movie had been released today, it would have been much more popular than it was when it came out in 1997, if only because since then, four of the main characters have become so well known. Parker Posey, Toni Collette, Lisa Kudrow, and Debra Jo Rupp. All at once. OVERHEARD Hold all my calls; I'm going to go take a nap. That's right. The boss takes a nap every afternoon. Door closed, lights off. Is that the definition of power? Ability to take a publicly-acknowledged afternoon nap? Monday, May 12, 2003
Attention, Office Managers of the World One of the perks (excuse the pun) of working in an office is that there is usually free coffee. Now, this is only a benefit if the coffee is any good, and if you are not the one who has to brew, monitor, serve, and clean it. That is why everyone in offices everywhere should all have Keurig K-Cups. This system proves that the future is now: just select your blend, put it in the machine, put a cup underneath, and press the button. In the time it takes to say, "Tea, Earl Grey, hot," your beverage is ready to go. And yes, that's right, you can have coffee or tea. REAL coffee and REAL tea. And cleanup is as easy as pull-out-bin-of-used-cups-and-dump-in-trash. I am such a fan. In a real office, after all, underneath your complicity, you're squeamish over how fake and wrong it all is, and how you're going to lose your mind if you spend another minute in such a sick place. Heather Havrilesky's Salon article about BBC America's "The Office" almost makes me wish I had cable. But if I got cable, I'd have to give up some other luxury, like food or heat, and the way the weather's been this year, I'm not ready to give up heat. Or food. Temping is not very lucrative, you know. My mother told me once that one's rent should equal a week's wages. If that were to be true, then I'd have to work this job 57 hours a week, and that's assuming I get time-and-a-half for overtime hours. However, there aren't a lot of jobs out there for temps. I should know; I'm registered with three different agencies. I called Office Pimp today to talk to them about getting a new position somewhere else, since this current one was recently cut to 32 hours a week. They told me that in addition to my having to give 2 weeks' notice if I DID decide to leave, they could not promise me anything at the end of that time. Basically, they are saying I better stay here if I know what's good for me. I can hear the HR woman on the phone lining up an interview for this position right now. If the woman she's on the phone with gets hired, do you think Office Pimp will make sure I get two weeks' notice? Neither do I. |
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